September 29, 2004

• Memo to the drivers of automobiles in the state of Connecticut:

  Attention morons (that’s you).  It has come to my attention that
  you cannot drive a motor vehicle properly.  You all find the need
  to purchase extravegant cars yet you clearly do not know how to work
  some of the basic parts of the vehicle, such as the gas pedal.  I
  know it’s somewhat difficult, but the brakes are the LEFT pedal and the
  gas is the RIGHT pedal. Some of you must have it confused as you’ve
  been hitting your brakes as if you have the two confused.  It has
  also come to my attention that perhaps you’ve forgotten what they
  taught you in driving class, specifically driving distance.  

  You see, when driving on the highway, you should be doing at least the
  speed limit, and let’s face it, everyone speeds.  You don’t need
  to do 90, but I think we can manage 70 or 75.  And to those of you
  who think the left lane was constructured purely for you to do 60,
  well, you’re a complete idiot. If you can’t do at least 75, get out of
  the left lane!  The right lane is for slow pokes, women,
  immigrants who think the speed limit is in kilometers per hour and old
  people.  Still confused? Well if you’ve got people honking at you
  and flashing their lights, it’s not because they’re saying hi or
  congratulating you on your promotion, but rather, you can’t drive and
  so get out of the way.  Some of you are under the impression you
  must have a 20 minute following distance.  Wrong.  You should
  be able to clearly read the license plate or see whatever dumb crap is
  in the backseat of the car ahead of you.  

  This brings me to incliment weather.  Here’s the bottom line, just
  because you see some rain, doesn’t mean you have to do no more than
  45.  Rain just means turn on the wipers, not become the official
  brake tester of the highway.  It is possible to go the speed limit
  in rain and just because it’s raining does not mean your car will
  definetly wipe out if you go past 40.  You see, around the wheels
  of your car are these things called tires.  They’re designed and
  built to handle more than just 75 and sunny.  

  So in conclusion, please learn to drive or get the hell out of my way.

  Song of the Day: Queen – Bohemnian Rhapsody

  • 9:34 am
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